Room For Two by Abel Keough

Just a little background first: I've been reading Abel's blog online since he was on diary-x. I bookmarked it because we had one thing in common I knew of right away: we were both widowed and then had remarried. Even though there are differences in the ways we lost our spouses many of the feelings we had in the aftermath were very similar. Abel subsequently moved to another website and called that blog Running Forward which I think is a very apt name. Over the years Abel and his second wife have had 3 children and I was thrilled at the news of each birth. Yes, there is love after the death of a loved one. It can happen. I was also thrilled when Abel announced his book was being published and was eager to read it.

Room For Two was hard for me and it's not because there was anything wrong with Abel's writing style. It's a painful story and I was shocked at how many of my own feelings came back to the surface, particularly guilt that I hadn't been able to do more to save Rich. Now, I think that is universal with widowed folks. In Abel's case, he had some premonitions of danger but felt he didn't act enough on them and when he entered his apartment, he heard the gun go off. His first wife had killed herself.

Abel did all the right things. He called 911. He was also in a state of shock. When my son and I found my first husband, Rich, on the floor he was already gone but I also went into shock. I remember calling 911, trying to keep the children from their father's body and leaping around like a frightened deer scooping up Rich's medications to take to the hospital. And even though I was stunned, I was still beginning to berate myself for not insisting we go to the emergency room the night before. Well, that's another story not related to the book but the fact I'm rambling about it is just testament to the fact that reading Abel's book brought back all those memories and feelings.

After Rich died, I belonged to an online community called Widownet. There were other widowed spouses whose loved ones had committed suicide. There's a stigma associated with suicide and that was an issue that everyone could try to understand but unless you've been through it you can't really "get" the shame of saying that your spouse killed him/herself. And so there was a separate sub-board called SOS (Spouses of Suicides, I think).

Abel mentions the isolation of being widowed. Yes, he is right. Ministers of churches I talked to said "oh, yes, the widowed--that's a group of people with needs we need to address" but had just never gotten around to it. Luckily the Catholic church has a good bereavement program and that's where I met other widow/ers. My friends and relatives were all single or married and I was totally uncomfortable with married couples after Rich died. I felt like a third or fifth wheel.

Another issue Abel addressed was dating. Only the widowed person knows when is the right time and yet everyone wants to tell you what's right for you. Abel's family was shocked when he began to date after his first wife died. I think it was about six months after but it doesn't matter. I felt "skin hunger" and a deep loneliness for the sound of a man's voice and the touch of his fingers and that wasn't disloyal to Rich. When TB and I met online and then began dating, members of both of our families said, "But didn't you love ....?"

Yes we did. But our loved ones were gone, away from us forever and somehow you have to go on or dry up and die.

Anyway, Abel's written a excellent book, one that is helpful to understanding the thoughts and feelings of being widowed. I can't do justice to it because it hits me too close to home. It's definitely something everyone could read--and there is a happy, hopeful ending. You can lose your love but still find love again before your own life is over.